A Furry Friend...for my achy breaky heart.

Funny story: When I was trying to decide if I should stay or go to Austria, in a moment of motherly panic my mom declared a promise to me. She said (and I quote) "IF YOU STAY IN AMERICA YOU CAN HAVE A PUPPY."

Nuff' said.

Meet "Oscar America". He is a chocolate lab and has been keeping Shea and myself indulged in cute land for the past two days. How is it that baby creatures don't make things better at all but somehow make things seem a little okay?

I love my puppy and he loves me.

What is courage anyway?

"All my life I have lived and behaved very much like the sandpiper - just running down the edges of different countries and continents, 'looking for something'."

[elizabeth bishop]

So it's out there now. I'm in Texas. I'll just go ahead and say the next part of my latest news: I'm not going to Austria in October. When I moved home, I emailed my Au Pair family and they said that I needed to let them know by the end of the month if I'd come for sure or not. So I was back and forth. Putting pros and cons together, making lists, praying, crying, jumping to conclusions...until finally it dawned on me. It doesn't mean that I'm not brave if I don't go for right now. I think I've come to a point where I've convinced myself that if I'm not doing something drastic (like moving to a foreign country) then I have no courage. But I realized that right now the brave thing is to stay home. Truthfully, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm working at a paint your own pottery studio, laying in the sun, and filling my time with anything that comes my way. What is that? Aren't I supposed to have an idea of what I'm going to do by now? It made so much sense to live abroad because that's what I love. New experiences, cultures, languages, and people. Even though Austria is still a huge part of me (yes, I'm keeping up with my German studying!) and I plan on going at some point -- right now I need to be here. I need to sit and "rest". I definitely feel a need to be here to be with my friends as we trudge on through this difficult time, I think this has all been a wake up call to the fact that I need this time for myself. I've made myself an unreal amount of busy ever since I left for college five years ago and haven't exactly slowed down to really be still.

So this is my time of stillness.

Here are my plans:

1. Eat good summertime peaches.

2. Be there for my best friend as she gets married.

3. Love on my family and friends.

4. Sleep.

5. Lay in the sunshine.

6. Dig into the word and wait for Jesus to come for me.

Any further questions?

Impossible Times

Hello my friends. Whether you are here, there, or anywhere....thanks for checking in. Your emails and comments have meant so much to me. I am here to report that, no, I have not disappeared completely. I am still "here". Which, right now is Texas. It's a long story, but in short I lost a very dear friend and haven't really known what to say to all of you. Anyway, for my loyal followers I have written out "THE LONG STORY". So please read on if that is you.

These past weeks have undoubtedly been of the hardest in my 23 years. If I could tell you the amount of tears I have cried and pain I have felt, I probably wouldn't. It's not something that I much like to share and definitely nothing I wish upon anyone.

Unfortunately death is a part of life. There is an end to everything. There are beginnings of roads and ends of roads, beginnings of stories, and ends of stories, beginnings of experiences and ends of experiences. It's inevitable that we will experience "endings" in and throughout our lives. There are no alternatives. There's no way to avoid it.

This brings me to my next bit. I'm going to tell you a story. Here it goes.

March 31, 2011 -- Taken from my journal

"Today my life shifted. Lately things have been moving seemingly well. I've been designing a website, learning German for my upcoming au pair venture, spending time with friends, teaching my classes, etc. etc. Then, in the blink of an eye my phone is ringing at 2am. Then my dad delivers the hardest bit of information I've ever been confronted with: my dear friend David was killed in a car crash at 4am. Just like that. My friend is gone. No word on specifics of what happened. But the inevitability of the outcome is constantly brushing over me like gusts of wind. He's gone. He had a wonderful wife (and another of my dearest friends) Ellyse. David was 24 years old.

Death is such an impossible thought when you think of someone whose been a part of your life for so long. I remember first meeting David. After several years of a homeschooling sort of situation during my middle school years, my parents chose a small private high school for me to attend called "Denton Calvary Academy". My first day in that ugly khaki and green combo I bumped into David in the hall. He asked me something about the volleyball season (I had joined the team). It's at this time that my heart so deeply yearns to remember every small detail of every conversation. Somehow a question about my volleyball team has shifted into something sincerely significant. That was the day I met David Hudspeth. A good ole sweet cowboy with a big heart and genuine sincerity in spirit. We started talking, laughing, and sitting together. Those times meant so much to me then and have eternal significance to me now.

Even before the tragedy at hand I've always been nolstalgic about those first few months especially. He was the kind of person who could smile at you and put you at ease. His spirit radiated the humility of Christ. I remember so many long talks and just admiring his confidence in his faith and his trust in the steadfast love of God. We used to sit at Panera bread in between classes and talk about faith, friendships, family, and life. He challenged me in my motives and encouraged me to seek God with my whole heart. Our sophomore year at Calvary, his girlfriend Ellyse transferred to our school. I'll admit, at first I was super intimidated of her. I had heard so many amazing things about her and her character from David. I think I was scared she didn't like David and I being friends -- and such close friends at that. He was one person that I can undoubtedly say had already changed me by just spending time with me. I didn't want to lose that friendship. Plus, Ellyse is completely gorgeous. Beautiful in uncountable ways inside and out. As it turned out though, she joined the volleyball team and we grew close very quickly. She and David met in middle school and were the truest definition of "high school sweethearts." There was no question when it came to their love for each other. I remember the story of their first kiss and saw them grow as individuals and as a couple during high school. You know it's funny. Now when I look at high school students I cannot help but think about how little and naive they seem. But then this terrible thing happens. I am looking back and am overwhelmed by how impacting those years were for me, watching David and Ellyse and learning so much about love from both of them. I'm realizing how much those relationships do mean, whether they are healthy or not. They change you and they affect the person you will become. It's so easy to doubt the sincerity of people during that age bracket because they are figuring themselves out. Trying to grow into an adult. We had so many fun times in high school. Whether we were screaming at David, Jon, or Kevin as they 4-wheel drove us into the muddiest parts of Denton, at the lake eating soggy chips and listening to classic country, on the rocky mountains following David as he fearlessly jumped over every obstacle possible on black diamond runs or having random photoshoots in the car....they were the best times of our lives. Right now, these memories are what we are running to. The good ole days. Every time I get really sad, I just run back to pictures and things that happened that were so funny.

David and Ellyse went off to college at OSU. David walked onto the football team and Ellyse took on nutrition. It was tough to see them graduate then leave (I'm a year younger). But that year was so important for them. I think it was a hard time taking in all of the changes. But they came out of it and decided the next thing for them was to get married. I remember being so thrilled for them because they'd been together for so long. SO LONG! David got the gang into action with his proposal plan. It was really beautiful. We all set up a picnic on this hill with candles and some tasty treats. Then we went to a Mexican restaurant to wait and hear the news. Ellyse loves horses and so David had told her they should go riding around sunset. So when they rode up to the top of this hill, they would find our little set-up ready and waiting for them. They didn't call and tell us how it went for a long time, so we nervously ate way too many chips and salsa. When they called and we went out to see them, I just remember they were both gleaming with joy. He just said, "Well, she said yes!" Complete with that goofy lazy eye and giddy smile. I remember him telling us that he had told her he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I remember his next words so vividly, "...and the rest of the things I said will stay between just her and me forever." I loved that so much about David. Ellyse was his world and he loved her so much. It's so unnerving right now to believe that "the rest of his life" was until he was 24, only about 5 years since the engagement.

It's so hard right now to look back on their wedding day. I remember the rehearsal dinner and the way the napkins were folded. I remember the night before and giggling as we fell asleep one last time just us girls. I remember the pictures we took. I remember the ceremony, the moment Ellyse stepped in the room, the entry into the reception. I remember the speeches given, dancing around the beautiful bride in our long black gowns. I remember their first dance, David's dance with his mom, and my dance with David. I remember watching them run out to leave for their honeymoon. I remember it all. Every step. Every bit of it brings a sharp sting of pain. It was December 17, 2006. That was a little over four years ago. I talked to them via skype this past December. They'd just celebrated their anniversary. That was the last time I saw David's face.

I remember hugging him for the last time the night before I left for Korea. I said I loved him and Ellyse and that I'd miss them and see them in a year. Now looking back, I sort of remember those hugs and my thoughts during them. I remember thinking that a year is a long time to be gone. That a lot could happen in a year. But who actually thinks a lot will happen? After I hugged David, Ellyse and Jon, David gave me a little speech on how I need to buckle down my traveling heart and find me a husband. So many times he's teased me with this and I've just shrugged and nodded. You see, I always imagined marrying someone like my dad, my brother, and David. The problem with that is that there's just no way it's possible. Such amazing men. I considered Dvid more than a friend, but also a brother. He was family. And now, here I am on April 1, 2011 on a 12 hour flight home because my brother has been taken from life.

So firmly I believe David is at peace. I believe he has been taken to eternity and is resting in God's holy and unfathomable presence. But the hardest part is being in a world that doesn't have David in it. Something about my dear friend being here made living life on this earth be filled with a glimmer of hope. I know that was Jesus in him -- so that hope still remains. But right now I cannot fathom moving on from this loss. I cannot imagine ever really being "okay" again. You know, I hate that question, "Are you okay?" Are any of us really and truly okay? Life is hard, whether it's a good day or not. Trials are constantly interrupting any bit of being okay. So no, I'm no tokay. But I do have hope. I have hope that there is life and rest and peace beyond this earth. I have a peace that is completely indescribable. I cannot stop mourning and aching, but I can place my tears and pain at the feet of Jesus. I believe that he is the only one who can sustain me, and has sustained me. Faithfully and abundantly he has held me close to him. So even though it seems an impossibility - we have to trust that he knows and loves us unconditionally. He is close tot he brokenhearted. I'm moving home for a while. I feel like I am an inadequate and drained source of encouragement -- but God's word will fill and guide me. Right now, this is how faith should always be -- a thirst and yearning for Him. The physical inability to start my day without him. May God use this time of grief for his children to refine their faith and to experience the greatness of his glory."

This is where I am. In the 2 months I have flown home, flown back to Korea, and flown home again. I feel frazzled, comforted, exhausted, sad, and joyful all at the same time. There is absolutely no way to express the deep yearning and pain I am currently experiencing. Although there is no way to opt out of endings, there is a way to endure them. You trust and you let the grief come as it may. During all of this I have never felt more comforted by God and is complete presence. I feel shattered inside, but there is a constant mending that is also occurring. It's definitely slow and it will take a lot of time. I am okay with that right now. Each moment that we make it through is sort of a miracle and a gift all lumped into one. It's hard to explain, but I think we are all jealous of David. We live in a world of endings and he is now in a place of "never-endings".

I desire so badly to be in a place of peace. I wish I was not feeling so conflicted inside. I see pain everywhere. In the eyes of those who loved David, in the effects of the multitudes of natural disasters, the threats and actions of terrorists, our daily failures and the repercussions that sin causes, and so much more. The only way to make it through is to keep walking. No matter how small your steps are. The truth is that we've never been able to do anything on our own. It's all been a work and miracle of God. He has moved us, pushed us, and held our hands. We have to hold onto him at all times -- whether we feel capable of doing so or not. So right now, I am holding on by his strength alone. None of me is able to function without his ever-guiding hand. To be honest, my faith is small. But we are called not to have faith the size of mountains (though at times we may) -- but we are called to have a faith that is the size of a mustard seed. We are told in Matthew that all we need is a mustard seed of faith to move a mountain. Because it isn't the quantity of our faith that matters, when it all comes down to it, the quality of depth and true complete faith is what really matters. So I hope you don't look at me and think I'm brave or I am an amazing Christian. I have questioned God more in this time than ever before. But I am choosing every minute to live by mustard seed faith. I believe God is working, though I may not feel him now. He is here in abundance.

My challenge for you: Don't let a moment pass that you choose to live your life for yourself. It's not about you. It's about the God of the universe. If you do not know him through Jesus Christ his son, you can ask me. We were created to know him. He is the only way we are here. He chooses our beginning and our ending, not as a show of conceited power over measly humans, but as a way to express his sovereignty and bring about his perfect plan for all he has loved and created. I want to say now that I love each of you. I hope that you know that He loves you more than any human could ever love you. He knows you completely and desires for you to be with him beyond this life. Know what it is to live purposefully. Don't get caught up in the here and now. It is only a blink of an eye.

Yes, I do realize how long it has been.

I will give you three excuses for my terrible blogging over the past weeks.

Excuse 1: I have been very busy.

Excuse 2: I have an overload of thoughts and an inability to sort them.

Excuse 3: I am a super secret undercover FBI agent on a mission to save the world from complete and utter destruction. Thus, rendering me to be in "super secret mode" and not spare as much as a tidbit of information pertaining to my whereabouts.

Mostly, the first two but I'm sticking with the FBI story because it is exceedingly exciting!

Fortunately for you, I do indeed have some very exciting recent happenings that I would like to share. Where to begin? This is truly a reason for my lack of blogging. Each day and each thought contain so much depth it seems that I have put off blogging. I think it may be more healthy to just get it out there because I am now needing divine intervention to sort through it all...

Let's begin with the B-I-B-L-E. I have been loving Isaiah lately. I am in a Bible study here with a bunch of wonderful Korean women (and one other waygooken). We are digging into Isaiah each week, a few chapters at a time. For some reason it is just now hitting me how incredibly parallel this whole book is to my life. It's about God's people, Israel, claiming to love him but turning to idols for comfort -- then it shows different sides of God's righteousness to their contradicting behavior. God reveals himself as creator, mighty to save, healer, conquerer, friend, savior, and sovereign over all things. He allows the people to be taken to Babylon and to live in captivity for 70 years, but the Babylonians do not go unpunished for their lack of mercy. He calls his people back and promises to rebuild the temple that was destroyed. He says he will bring it up through Cyrus, who was known to be a vicious warrior king. God moved his heart and he submitted to the calling of the Almighty. The people argued, but who can argue with their creator? The God of the universe. God was using a pagan king for his glory. How amazing is that? He can use us when we are most disgustingly drowned in sin. He comes and works in our hearts and he fills us with his spirit, to do things in his name.

Here is my favorite verse from the past few weeks:

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

Isaiah 46:4

Next let's address the current situation in Japan. The 9.0 earthquake that shook Japan a little over a week ago and triggered a tsunami has been heartbreaking. Thankfully, in Korea we are well-surrounded (even in my coastal city!) and are not at high risk for such a thing. It's completely horrible the effects of such a disaster. I have to say that it has been frustrating to read news reports about how donations have dwindled because of the fact that Japan is so economically well off. Unfortunately, anything along the lines of natural disaster will cause an economic crisis. So please remember that we are called to reach out to those in need. Do not cease in your prayers and (if possible) financial support/donations.

I now would like to say how incredibly thankful I am for the amazing weather that has been coming in spurts. I'm talking we are getting into the 60's on some days! For a place that was so consistently miserable in coldness, I am at least happy for the days we get warmer temps. I went for my first beach run of the spring the other day. It was wonderful and crisp. There's something about the ocean in the morning that is indescribable. Also the cherry blossoms (Japanese flowers the Koreans loved so much they planted to also take credit for...) will be popping out to say hello very very soon so I am really excited about going to one of those festivals!

What I've been up to....

Over the past couple of months I have undertook a serious project filled with fun and technicalities. I am redoing my church's website. It will be iccbusan.org -- but it's not up until the end of the week. So check for it then!

I have also started sort of volunteering at this hospital in another part of town on Saturdays. I am leading and English Sunday school for a bunch of kids whose parent are in a medical missions training program. It is a Christian hospital and many of the doctors are in the program so they can do medical missions in less developed southeast Asian countries -- like the Philippines and Vietnam. Pretty cool to sort of be a part of, I must say.

What's new on the horizon.....

This is another major reason why I haven't blogged so much. I have been stuck in the inbetween of my last 5 months in Korea and what will come after that. I have thought through all the options...

1. Go to the middle East -- this one was outed on account of the constant threat to Americans, especially Christians. Additionally, my poor mommy would miss me far too much.

2. Go home/to the USA -- couldn't go for this one because honestly I have no idea what I would do at home. I have ideas of things I would eventually like to do. But as for now, my passions are elsewhere and I didn't feel a complete peace about it.

3. Stay in Korea -- I have such wonderful friends and a community of believers here that push me to shine for Jesus. I have a comfortable job and I love my kids. The only problem is that I am not passionate about Korea. It's so important to me that I am passionate and completely trusting God with the direction in my life. So after much prayer and thought....

4. I am moving to AUSTRIA!!!!!!! If any of you know me, you will know that I talk about and dream about this place way too much. It all started with my semester abroad learning the language and loving the people. I can hardly believe that I am about to work there. I am going to be a nanny for a family that owns a hotel in beautiful Walchsee, Austria. They have twin boys (7 years old) that love to ski, hike, and play anything outdoors. I will also be able to work in the hotel part time while the boys are in school. I am so excited about improving my German, getting to know an Austrian family, and exploring a part of Austria I didn't have time to see before! T'will be an adventure for sure. More information to come.

As for the rest of life lately, I don't really know what to say. All I know is I am growing and being refined. I am learning so much every day about how life is not about me -- which is completely freeing. You should try it out sometime.

A faithful friend is a strong defense;

and he that hath found him

hath found a treasure.

- Louisa May Alcott

A Journey Out West

This past week we celebrated lunar new year here in Korea -- aka: 설날. aka: 3 days off of work

The original plan was to head down to the Japanese friends. Unfortunately ferry fares were quite pricey leaving me and my budgeted self with Korea to travel. At first, I was not all that pumped. Thankfully, though, my fabulous friend (friend in korean is 친구 -- pronounced chingu) Krystal who came to the rescue. She whipped out the Lonely Planet on Korea (our BFF) and we conceived a general plan. We would gather a group (Me, Krys, Jay, Jon, and Zach) and we would have an adventure.

So the plan went as follows:

1. Bus to the Western area of Korea, the city of Gwangju first.

2. Now over to Yeong-am to hike up to a spectacular bridge we saw a picture of in our BFF book

3. Finally to really go coastal and hit up Mokpo, about the opposite side of Korea of Busan

It was super fun. We took an unreal amount of bus trips, had some great accommodation, loads of beautiful Korean views, happy Korean families staring at us, and an excessive amount of norae-bang fun.

Below you will find some of my favorite photos from the trip.....

Jay on the bridge we hiked to. We certainly underestimated the hike. It was quite snowy/icy. We were not wearing the appropriate hardcore snow-hiking shoes nor did we have emergency supplies. Let's just say we basically slid our way back down the mountain before the sun went to bed.

Definitely worth the hike!

Yeong-am

In Mokpo, we had nice temperatures and a fun little boardwalk where we spent the afternoon flying kites. Well....attempting to fly them.

Zach, Jon, Krystal, and myself.

It was harder than it looked!

Cute little ones!

Happy year of the rabbit friends.

In wisdom gathered over time

I have found that every experience

is a form of

exploration.

Ansel Adams