Impossible Times

Hello my friends. Whether you are here, there, or anywhere....thanks for checking in. Your emails and comments have meant so much to me. I am here to report that, no, I have not disappeared completely. I am still "here". Which, right now is Texas. It's a long story, but in short I lost a very dear friend and haven't really known what to say to all of you. Anyway, for my loyal followers I have written out "THE LONG STORY". So please read on if that is you.

These past weeks have undoubtedly been of the hardest in my 23 years. If I could tell you the amount of tears I have cried and pain I have felt, I probably wouldn't. It's not something that I much like to share and definitely nothing I wish upon anyone.

Unfortunately death is a part of life. There is an end to everything. There are beginnings of roads and ends of roads, beginnings of stories, and ends of stories, beginnings of experiences and ends of experiences. It's inevitable that we will experience "endings" in and throughout our lives. There are no alternatives. There's no way to avoid it.

This brings me to my next bit. I'm going to tell you a story. Here it goes.

March 31, 2011 -- Taken from my journal

"Today my life shifted. Lately things have been moving seemingly well. I've been designing a website, learning German for my upcoming au pair venture, spending time with friends, teaching my classes, etc. etc. Then, in the blink of an eye my phone is ringing at 2am. Then my dad delivers the hardest bit of information I've ever been confronted with: my dear friend David was killed in a car crash at 4am. Just like that. My friend is gone. No word on specifics of what happened. But the inevitability of the outcome is constantly brushing over me like gusts of wind. He's gone. He had a wonderful wife (and another of my dearest friends) Ellyse. David was 24 years old.

Death is such an impossible thought when you think of someone whose been a part of your life for so long. I remember first meeting David. After several years of a homeschooling sort of situation during my middle school years, my parents chose a small private high school for me to attend called "Denton Calvary Academy". My first day in that ugly khaki and green combo I bumped into David in the hall. He asked me something about the volleyball season (I had joined the team). It's at this time that my heart so deeply yearns to remember every small detail of every conversation. Somehow a question about my volleyball team has shifted into something sincerely significant. That was the day I met David Hudspeth. A good ole sweet cowboy with a big heart and genuine sincerity in spirit. We started talking, laughing, and sitting together. Those times meant so much to me then and have eternal significance to me now.

Even before the tragedy at hand I've always been nolstalgic about those first few months especially. He was the kind of person who could smile at you and put you at ease. His spirit radiated the humility of Christ. I remember so many long talks and just admiring his confidence in his faith and his trust in the steadfast love of God. We used to sit at Panera bread in between classes and talk about faith, friendships, family, and life. He challenged me in my motives and encouraged me to seek God with my whole heart. Our sophomore year at Calvary, his girlfriend Ellyse transferred to our school. I'll admit, at first I was super intimidated of her. I had heard so many amazing things about her and her character from David. I think I was scared she didn't like David and I being friends -- and such close friends at that. He was one person that I can undoubtedly say had already changed me by just spending time with me. I didn't want to lose that friendship. Plus, Ellyse is completely gorgeous. Beautiful in uncountable ways inside and out. As it turned out though, she joined the volleyball team and we grew close very quickly. She and David met in middle school and were the truest definition of "high school sweethearts." There was no question when it came to their love for each other. I remember the story of their first kiss and saw them grow as individuals and as a couple during high school. You know it's funny. Now when I look at high school students I cannot help but think about how little and naive they seem. But then this terrible thing happens. I am looking back and am overwhelmed by how impacting those years were for me, watching David and Ellyse and learning so much about love from both of them. I'm realizing how much those relationships do mean, whether they are healthy or not. They change you and they affect the person you will become. It's so easy to doubt the sincerity of people during that age bracket because they are figuring themselves out. Trying to grow into an adult. We had so many fun times in high school. Whether we were screaming at David, Jon, or Kevin as they 4-wheel drove us into the muddiest parts of Denton, at the lake eating soggy chips and listening to classic country, on the rocky mountains following David as he fearlessly jumped over every obstacle possible on black diamond runs or having random photoshoots in the car....they were the best times of our lives. Right now, these memories are what we are running to. The good ole days. Every time I get really sad, I just run back to pictures and things that happened that were so funny.

David and Ellyse went off to college at OSU. David walked onto the football team and Ellyse took on nutrition. It was tough to see them graduate then leave (I'm a year younger). But that year was so important for them. I think it was a hard time taking in all of the changes. But they came out of it and decided the next thing for them was to get married. I remember being so thrilled for them because they'd been together for so long. SO LONG! David got the gang into action with his proposal plan. It was really beautiful. We all set up a picnic on this hill with candles and some tasty treats. Then we went to a Mexican restaurant to wait and hear the news. Ellyse loves horses and so David had told her they should go riding around sunset. So when they rode up to the top of this hill, they would find our little set-up ready and waiting for them. They didn't call and tell us how it went for a long time, so we nervously ate way too many chips and salsa. When they called and we went out to see them, I just remember they were both gleaming with joy. He just said, "Well, she said yes!" Complete with that goofy lazy eye and giddy smile. I remember him telling us that he had told her he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. I remember his next words so vividly, "...and the rest of the things I said will stay between just her and me forever." I loved that so much about David. Ellyse was his world and he loved her so much. It's so unnerving right now to believe that "the rest of his life" was until he was 24, only about 5 years since the engagement.

It's so hard right now to look back on their wedding day. I remember the rehearsal dinner and the way the napkins were folded. I remember the night before and giggling as we fell asleep one last time just us girls. I remember the pictures we took. I remember the ceremony, the moment Ellyse stepped in the room, the entry into the reception. I remember the speeches given, dancing around the beautiful bride in our long black gowns. I remember their first dance, David's dance with his mom, and my dance with David. I remember watching them run out to leave for their honeymoon. I remember it all. Every step. Every bit of it brings a sharp sting of pain. It was December 17, 2006. That was a little over four years ago. I talked to them via skype this past December. They'd just celebrated their anniversary. That was the last time I saw David's face.

I remember hugging him for the last time the night before I left for Korea. I said I loved him and Ellyse and that I'd miss them and see them in a year. Now looking back, I sort of remember those hugs and my thoughts during them. I remember thinking that a year is a long time to be gone. That a lot could happen in a year. But who actually thinks a lot will happen? After I hugged David, Ellyse and Jon, David gave me a little speech on how I need to buckle down my traveling heart and find me a husband. So many times he's teased me with this and I've just shrugged and nodded. You see, I always imagined marrying someone like my dad, my brother, and David. The problem with that is that there's just no way it's possible. Such amazing men. I considered Dvid more than a friend, but also a brother. He was family. And now, here I am on April 1, 2011 on a 12 hour flight home because my brother has been taken from life.

So firmly I believe David is at peace. I believe he has been taken to eternity and is resting in God's holy and unfathomable presence. But the hardest part is being in a world that doesn't have David in it. Something about my dear friend being here made living life on this earth be filled with a glimmer of hope. I know that was Jesus in him -- so that hope still remains. But right now I cannot fathom moving on from this loss. I cannot imagine ever really being "okay" again. You know, I hate that question, "Are you okay?" Are any of us really and truly okay? Life is hard, whether it's a good day or not. Trials are constantly interrupting any bit of being okay. So no, I'm no tokay. But I do have hope. I have hope that there is life and rest and peace beyond this earth. I have a peace that is completely indescribable. I cannot stop mourning and aching, but I can place my tears and pain at the feet of Jesus. I believe that he is the only one who can sustain me, and has sustained me. Faithfully and abundantly he has held me close to him. So even though it seems an impossibility - we have to trust that he knows and loves us unconditionally. He is close tot he brokenhearted. I'm moving home for a while. I feel like I am an inadequate and drained source of encouragement -- but God's word will fill and guide me. Right now, this is how faith should always be -- a thirst and yearning for Him. The physical inability to start my day without him. May God use this time of grief for his children to refine their faith and to experience the greatness of his glory."

This is where I am. In the 2 months I have flown home, flown back to Korea, and flown home again. I feel frazzled, comforted, exhausted, sad, and joyful all at the same time. There is absolutely no way to express the deep yearning and pain I am currently experiencing. Although there is no way to opt out of endings, there is a way to endure them. You trust and you let the grief come as it may. During all of this I have never felt more comforted by God and is complete presence. I feel shattered inside, but there is a constant mending that is also occurring. It's definitely slow and it will take a lot of time. I am okay with that right now. Each moment that we make it through is sort of a miracle and a gift all lumped into one. It's hard to explain, but I think we are all jealous of David. We live in a world of endings and he is now in a place of "never-endings".

I desire so badly to be in a place of peace. I wish I was not feeling so conflicted inside. I see pain everywhere. In the eyes of those who loved David, in the effects of the multitudes of natural disasters, the threats and actions of terrorists, our daily failures and the repercussions that sin causes, and so much more. The only way to make it through is to keep walking. No matter how small your steps are. The truth is that we've never been able to do anything on our own. It's all been a work and miracle of God. He has moved us, pushed us, and held our hands. We have to hold onto him at all times -- whether we feel capable of doing so or not. So right now, I am holding on by his strength alone. None of me is able to function without his ever-guiding hand. To be honest, my faith is small. But we are called not to have faith the size of mountains (though at times we may) -- but we are called to have a faith that is the size of a mustard seed. We are told in Matthew that all we need is a mustard seed of faith to move a mountain. Because it isn't the quantity of our faith that matters, when it all comes down to it, the quality of depth and true complete faith is what really matters. So I hope you don't look at me and think I'm brave or I am an amazing Christian. I have questioned God more in this time than ever before. But I am choosing every minute to live by mustard seed faith. I believe God is working, though I may not feel him now. He is here in abundance.

My challenge for you: Don't let a moment pass that you choose to live your life for yourself. It's not about you. It's about the God of the universe. If you do not know him through Jesus Christ his son, you can ask me. We were created to know him. He is the only way we are here. He chooses our beginning and our ending, not as a show of conceited power over measly humans, but as a way to express his sovereignty and bring about his perfect plan for all he has loved and created. I want to say now that I love each of you. I hope that you know that He loves you more than any human could ever love you. He knows you completely and desires for you to be with him beyond this life. Know what it is to live purposefully. Don't get caught up in the here and now. It is only a blink of an eye.