"All my life I have lived and behaved very much like the sandpiper - just running down the edges of different countries and continents, 'looking for something'."
[elizabeth bishop]
So it's out there now. I'm in Texas. I'll just go ahead and say the next part of my latest news: I'm not going to Austria in October. When I moved home, I emailed my Au Pair family and they said that I needed to let them know by the end of the month if I'd come for sure or not. So I was back and forth. Putting pros and cons together, making lists, praying, crying, jumping to conclusions...until finally it dawned on me. It doesn't mean that I'm not brave if I don't go for right now. I think I've come to a point where I've convinced myself that if I'm not doing something drastic (like moving to a foreign country) then I have no courage. But I realized that right now the brave thing is to stay home. Truthfully, I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm working at a paint your own pottery studio, laying in the sun, and filling my time with anything that comes my way. What is that? Aren't I supposed to have an idea of what I'm going to do by now? It made so much sense to live abroad because that's what I love. New experiences, cultures, languages, and people. Even though Austria is still a huge part of me (yes, I'm keeping up with my German studying!) and I plan on going at some point -- right now I need to be here. I need to sit and "rest". I definitely feel a need to be here to be with my friends as we trudge on through this difficult time, I think this has all been a wake up call to the fact that I need this time for myself. I've made myself an unreal amount of busy ever since I left for college five years ago and haven't exactly slowed down to really be still.
So this is my time of stillness.
Here are my plans:
1. Eat good summertime peaches.
2. Be there for my best friend as she gets married.
3. Love on my family and friends.
4. Sleep.
5. Lay in the sunshine.
6. Dig into the word and wait for Jesus to come for me.
Any further questions?
you inspire me in so many ways. love you nancy :)
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful, and I agree wholeheartedly in there being courage in staying. Finding stillness in the midst of a busy life is HARD. I'm thankful for your honesty in this post, and I look forward to seeing such growth in your life because of all this restin' :) LOVE you nance.
ReplyDelete-trinka
Nancy-Nance, you are my favorite.
ReplyDelete'sigh'...if it is any consolation, this part of life is somewhat necessary in our micro-generation. I especially hear this same process among so many of my travelling friends... we all seem to undergo that time of revelation where we realize: "oh yeah, I need to re-evaluate my expectations of myself and my life and what I think everyone else expects of me".
What a blessing that we are not loved for what we can offer, whether by experience, works, talents, or even preferences or time management, but rather, by the enduring choice of the Father to love us as we are, where we are.
Your transparency is a beautiful thing! Thank you for sharing! Please let me know if I can encourage you in any way :)